Quotations and phrases - Steve Martin

The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!
-- Steve Martin

All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: 'Dead men don't wear plaid.' Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
-- Steve Martin

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
-- Steve Martin

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
-- Steve Martin

Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
-- Steve Martin

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
-- Steve Martin

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
-- Steve Martin

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
-- Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
-- Steve Martin

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different!
-- Steve Martin

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything any more if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
-- Steve Martin

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.
-- Steve Martin

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.
-- Steve Martin

People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
-- Steve Martin

Comedy is not pretty.
-- Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-- Steve Martin

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
-- Steve Martin

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
-- Steve Martin

I'm not into that one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them
-- Steve Martin

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin

Well, excuuuuuse me!!!!
-- Steve Martin

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
-- Steve Martin

All quotations and phrases said by Steve Martin including famous quotes